My time was in college. I loved the independence and exploration, yet the lure of beauty, belonging and fun was too hard to avoid. I got sucked in. I was promised satisfaction, acceptance and a way to control the pounds on the scale. LIES. All I found was isolation and shame. I was plagued with the fear of gaining weight, suffocated by the need to look a certain way, failing the battle for my mind, frustrated with the fact that no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t leave me alone, and I sat condemned EVERY TIME I ate. I had an eating disorder.
I wanted a life. Not a struggle. I was longing to be free from the voices, the noise, the scale & the fear. I was not thriving, I was simply surviving. Alone.
A friend of mine casually mentioned having an issue with food but breaking free from it. What? There’s freedom from this struggle? I decided then and there, I resolved, I set out to find this so called freedom. I memorized a few Bible verses and read a few books that gave me tools to fight the lies. For the first time I felt a small hope that life could be different. That I could be free.
It took time, sweat and tears. It was one step forward, two steps back and then two steps forward and one step back. But I was not going to quit – I wanted to be free. Freedom to me looked like no food off limits, knowing the right foods to fuel my body, re-learning my hunger and full responses, no condemnation, no more voices, and no unwanted weight gain. I wanted my body to find it’s normal weight and stay there.
“You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you FREE.” John 8:32
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1
“You are blessed, chosen, accepted, adopted, redeemed and forgiven.” Ephesians 1:3-7
Instead of the voice… “you want that food, you need that food, it doesn’t really matter, you can start again tomorrow and THEN… I can’t believe you ate that, you should know better, you’re gonna get fat, you’re a failure.”
Through the struggle I learned that food was filling a deep need. From stuffing emotions, to avoiding feelings of emptiness and loneliness. So when I no longer wanted to see food as more than it actually was, I found ways to fill the void with things that breed life, health and calm. Brene Brown calls it learning to “dig deep” instead of numbing the pain.
In this picture at the lake I see the struggle and the imperfections and yet she is FREE. You can be free too.
Click here if you want to explore what freedom can look like for you.
